Sunday Still

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Sunday Still

This is my dog, we spent a bunch of time throwing toys, meeting kids and picking up sticks. What a lovely Sunday afternoon. Great way to relax your mind.

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Friday Favourite!

Todays Friday Favourite
This week I thought I would tell you about my other fav site/app that I enjoy using!

I have to say it would definiately have to be Instagram.. and not just for the food pictures! I love sharing things with friends/family instantly! Plus all the strangers posting away their lives. Seriously though, I really do believe that every picture says 1000 words! 

 

Have a great Friday! Have fun with your instagraming, facebooking, and tweeting ( why isn’t it twitting.. I like that better.. haha)

What’s on your mind?!

Am I the only one that hates the fact that Facebook has this faded question in our empty status bar?

Seriously, you know that none of us really put what is on our minds and if we do, we have it covered up with so many “meanings” that it makes no sense anyway. If I really put what was on my mind everytime I seen that on my facebook page, I would have 100% no friends on facebook because trust me, after a while they just won’t want to hear it anymore. So why not tell you here on my blog a little bit of WHATS ON MY MIND tonight! 

I did work this afternoon, so I do have some pent up aggression from that. I work roadside assistance here in Canada, and even though everyone thinks we know how to survive winter through and through… THEY ARE WRONG!! wow! I can not believe how many people in this country ( really only one section of a province that my department even covers!!) For instance, why are you calling us to help you put a spare tire on in your driveway while your husband, father and son are there in your house with you? You do know that we have people out and broken down on a flipping highway?! I guess it doesn’t matter to anyone, the point for them is that they pay a membership fee and think they are the queen/king or the roadside assistance and we should have a truck for each member just sitting and waiting for them… It is pretty ridiculous to say the least. I know this sound a bit harsh, but seriously Canada, (south central Ontario to be more exact) get your shit together or I’m outs!

Speaking about leaving, everytime that Southern Ontario bothers me, the more and more I want to take off and go somewhere far, start completely over and just move on from it. Seriously, I am stil young enough and I know the man would love it up north compare to here because he has the same issues as I. I know that I have family here, and ”friends” but really friends can be made anywhere. If they are the good ones, they will still be your friend while your away, and the family thing? honestly, I love my family deep down, but I need to move on, find where I/we are happy and start our own family. So the more and more I play with the idea, the more and more I want to start saving up the money to make the move. 

Wow, I have said a lot today. I am pretty proud of myself, considering I have a bunch of posts again, hopefully I can keep it up. Feel free to comment as well everyone, I may not answer instantly, but I will!! 🙂 Have a great night! 

Hello Tuesday.

Hey world.

Today was relaxing. I was able to get stuff done, and I feel like stuff was accomplished. I am hoping for tomorrow to go just as smoothly. I have the office all re set up again. I think this time it may actually just stay the way I have it. I am digging it so far! Well, off to finish some laundry, hang out with the man, and maybe think about making cookies in the middle of the night because I can. 🙂 

This is my life, and this is how I choose to live it. I am not sorry if you do not agree. 

Dear Daddy

My parents separated when my brother and I were quite young. My biological father wasn’t the best man in the world towards my mother, but he loved her. He was an angry man. Short tempered and more often than not, drunk. Never laid a hand on my brother or myself. He was a handyman, and loved to build things, a past time we shared a lot when I was very little. After my parents separated, we seen our father for a while, but things went down differently than we all wanted. After a while I stopped seeing my father, and I never got to see him again. A month before my 14th birthday, my father committed suicide.

It has been 10 years now since this incident. I have grown, I am strong, and I push more and more every day. I have a lot of anger towards my father. Many things that have gone unsaid over the last ten years, stuff that I have wanted to say to his face, but of course, haven’t the slightest change. How else am I suppose to let out built up anger towards someone that has passed onto the other side, but to write him a letter.

I apology in advance for any tears, swear words, incorrect spelling, or repeating myself. I have not wrote my father a letter before, and I don’t think this will be my last, for it was very releasing to accomplish. Well, here it is, the doorway to a dark alley way in my life.
But hey, That’s Life!

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Dear Daddy,

I want to start with I miss you, I’ll always be your little girl, and I wish you were by my side more often. I can’t though, I am far too angry with you. So angry I can’t even fully accept what has happened!

I still wake up some days and think, maybe your just up north, and I’ll see you soon. You know how difficult that is when it is followed with, he can not possibly be, he took his own life.

You left us behind, you took the easy way out, and even before you were stupid enough to commit suicide!! You never tried hard enough to see us!!! Every drink you had, every hand you laid on mom, every damn court case that you were apparently too fucking busy to show up to! Those are the things that needed to be fixed you ass hole! You had to pick up your slack! You were suppose to be strong! You were suppose to be here to teach me the things mom couldn’t! You could have stopped drinking, showed initiative to change for the better. You could have had the chance to be a part of our life. You had the chances right in front of your fucking face! I used to tell myself that you did it because you couldn’t see us as often as you wanted, and this way you could be with us all the time, I was wrong wasn’t I? You were blinded by booze, you were scared, you thought you had nothing so you ran away. It’s pathetic, disappointing and damn right wrong.

I see so much of you inside my brother and I. It actually hurts to see it in him. He is so damn close to loosing control, I hope he is smarter than you. I hope you didn’t show him that it is okay to take the easy way out!

You were suppose to congratulate at my milestones, teach me how to play guitar, show me how to make great things, and be the one to give me away when I go to marry the man of my dreams. However, you weren’t and you never will be now. You didn’t try hard enough. Never did. It sickens me how pissed off I am at the world because I can’t understand why.
I do miss you, but I think your a fucking ass hole. I think your selfish, I think I hate you when I think about what you did! I HATE YOU FOR IT!! I don’t know why, and that is what hurts the most. You left behind very confused people, very sad people, and one very fucking mad daughter. One little girl you said you would protect til the end of time, and be there for til the end.. FUCK YOU AND YOUR END! Fuck the fact that you were upset, you had responsibilities. You had people that fucking cared whether you lived or died. You took every possibility I had in my head as a little girl wishing and waiting for the day to see you again, to visit you, to hug you, to have you say I love you, to have you just fucking be there so I can call you on the phone and say hey daddy guess what?! Nope, you took that from me, and that is why I am so fucking angry with you.

 I hate that you killed yourself, I hate that you moved far away, I hate that you drank, I hate that you hit mom, I hate that you never showed to court, I hate that you couldn’t quit drinking for your fucking kids!!!! IT WAS FOR YOUR KIDS! Everything was for me and my brother! Who gave a fuck what your ex wife had to say about you, or to you, We should have been your number one no matter what you had to do to, you should have done it. YOU SHOULD HAVE TRIED!

Why did you have to take your life away from us?! You were my everything! I wanted you to continue to teach me and watch me grow into the woman I am today. Nothing in life is free daddy, nothing in life comes to you without some work. You should have known these things. You were a man of your hands, hardworking, handy man. You built me so much, and I want you to build more dammit! Every time I think of certain carpentry projects, your there, your building what I need. I miss you, and I miss the possibilities. I miss your family even. I am completely separate from that side of my family, because you had to be a fucking prick to your siblings too. It wasn’t my Aunt or Uncles fault that they could see us and you couldn’t. It was your fault!

YOU ARE THE ONLY REASON YOU DIDN’T SEE US!
YOU ARE THE ONLY REASON FOR WHAT HAPPEN TO YOU!
YOU ARE THE REASON I WILL BE STRONGER THAN YOU EVER COULD BE.

You took the one shot and left me
My aunt made one phone call to tell me you were gone forever
Now I have one day, to constantly remember what you forgot,
I’ll always be daddy’s little girl.

Sincerely, with both hate and love,

Your Daughter.

Thank you for reading. I apologize again if I upset anyone unintentionally!
I know with it being this close to the holidays, we don’t always want to read a sad or upsetting story, so for that I thank you again. Please feel free to comment and express yourself freely. I am comfortable talking about suicide, and would love to answers any questions that people may have. I know of course this post doesn’t get into my grieving process, or other aspects of my life that deal with suicide, but again, this does not mean I am opposed to talking about it. In fact, I welcome the conversation so please feel free!

My Loving Man

You have begun to see some of my creations, and have seen all of my pets. You are starting to get know me a bit, and see my point of views, craziness, art, photography, and writings. How about a little more about me? Why not right? If you follow my blog you might as well know a bit more about me. Of course you may not care either.

 

Today I plan on telling you about the love of my life. My fiance, AJ. He is one of the best things to happen to me in a very very long time. AJ and I have not been together for very long, just over two years as of November 23 2013. Just like any relationship, there are ups and downs, fights and cuddles, love and, well I want to call it dislike, as I like to say, I love you all the time doesn’t mean I have to like you all the time. So how did we meet? Let’s just say we met through numerous common friends, and as our friendship starting to bloom the relationship just took over…..

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Alright fine! He was dating someone when we first met
NO… now before you jump to any conclusions, it isn’t what your thinking!
We held back, and I showed as much respect for his current relationship at the time, as best I could, with his crazy eyes starring at me from across the room! I guess I was in luck, turns out his relationship wasn’t working for either of them in the first place, and soon ended after AJ and I started talking. Oh my, go me! After many crazy nights of staying up til the birds woke up in the early hours of the morning, seriously, we would stay awake and talk all night, some of them until 7-8 in the morning, then I would go up to bed, he would go get breakfast and go home as well, and we would meet up to do it all over again! As I was saying though, after these nights went by, we grew into a loving relationship that has lasted through the past two years, and can’t wait for it to keep on continuing into the future!

We moved in together three months later, as it turned out my current living arrangements with an old friend ( old friend now, remember people in and out of life etc, etc… ya.. another blog entry maybe..) were not working out and AJ was excited to the idea of having me join him and his little family ( Neko and Toby ).

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A year after we had been living together and driving each other wild in the best ways possible, AJ proposed! It was not a huge crazy spectacular surprise, and I was very happy with that. The more I think back on it, the ladies that sit there and are all like, ugh, what?! He didn’t have roses out the ass and bent on one knee and yadda yadda.. No, it was in the moment, and it made it that much more touching and loving.

I love my man, and everything he does for me and our family. He does everything in his power to keep us happy. When I said that he is the best thing to ever happen to me in a very long time, I wasn’t just saying it for the sake of saying it. He has helped me overcome many issues I have had internally. He has helped me to start conquering my anger, helping me find Zen, and peace, as well as, acceptance for the uncontrollable. All things that I have had issues with in the past, and I am loving it! I am noticing more and more that I am becoming happier and happier the longer him and I are together.

 

He has the most amazing eyes and smile, he will hold me and take any worry away, he protects me, and supports me in every way he can! I love that he believes in me, and I believe in him. The day we wed, we not be the best day of my life, every day that I have him in my life, are the best days.

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Here is something I wrote for him, to remind him every time he reads it, how amazing he truly is.

 
A J 

 

Love is what happens when two souls collide. Their lives merge, belongings are shared, and happiness is spread.

The strength that you have built within yourself will help you accomplish and overcome anything that life throws in your direction.

 

You are intelligent, dedicated, and amazingly talented.

There is nothing you can not do once your mind has been made up. 

Overcoming things takes courage, strength, and patience.

 

Qualities, you already have within you. Don’t change who you are, unless it is to become someone you want to be.

 

Happiness isn’t the light at the end of a tunnel, it’s the smile on your face, and the sparkle in your eye.

Take on the world, and show everyone the real you, because it is the best you.

 

Learn from the past, live in the moment, and plan for the future.

 

You have overcome plenty of challenges, and you will continue to carry on, for you do have the strength inside of you.

 

You are my rock, my support through the mazes, and the one that keeps me grounded. I’ll never forget that.

 

Your love,

 

Nikki