My parents separated when my brother and I were quite young. My biological father wasn’t the best man in the world towards my mother, but he loved her. He was an angry man. Short tempered and more often than not, drunk. Never laid a hand on my brother or myself. He was a handyman, and loved to build things, a past time we shared a lot when I was very little. After my parents separated, we seen our father for a while, but things went down differently than we all wanted. After a while I stopped seeing my father, and I never got to see him again. A month before my 14th birthday, my father committed suicide.
It has been 10 years now since this incident. I have grown, I am strong, and I push more and more every day. I have a lot of anger towards my father. Many things that have gone unsaid over the last ten years, stuff that I have wanted to say to his face, but of course, haven’t the slightest change. How else am I suppose to let out built up anger towards someone that has passed onto the other side, but to write him a letter.
I apology in advance for any tears, swear words, incorrect spelling, or repeating myself. I have not wrote my father a letter before, and I don’t think this will be my last, for it was very releasing to accomplish. Well, here it is, the doorway to a dark alley way in my life.
But hey, That’s Life!
I want to start with I miss you, I’ll always be your little girl, and I wish you were by my side more often. I can’t though, I am far too angry with you. So angry I can’t even fully accept what has happened!
I still wake up some days and think, maybe your just up north, and I’ll see you soon. You know how difficult that is when it is followed with, he can not possibly be, he took his own life.
You left us behind, you took the easy way out, and even before you were stupid enough to commit suicide!! You never tried hard enough to see us!!! Every drink you had, every hand you laid on mom, every damn court case that you were apparently too fucking busy to show up to! Those are the things that needed to be fixed you ass hole! You had to pick up your slack! You were suppose to be strong! You were suppose to be here to teach me the things mom couldn’t! You could have stopped drinking, showed initiative to change for the better. You could have had the chance to be a part of our life. You had the chances right in front of your fucking face! I used to tell myself that you did it because you couldn’t see us as often as you wanted, and this way you could be with us all the time, I was wrong wasn’t I? You were blinded by booze, you were scared, you thought you had nothing so you ran away. It’s pathetic, disappointing and damn right wrong.
I see so much of you inside my brother and I. It actually hurts to see it in him. He is so damn close to loosing control, I hope he is smarter than you. I hope you didn’t show him that it is okay to take the easy way out!
You were suppose to congratulate at my milestones, teach me how to play guitar, show me how to make great things, and be the one to give me away when I go to marry the man of my dreams. However, you weren’t and you never will be now. You didn’t try hard enough. Never did. It sickens me how pissed off I am at the world because I can’t understand why.
I do miss you, but I think your a fucking ass hole. I think your selfish, I think I hate you when I think about what you did! I HATE YOU FOR IT!! I don’t know why, and that is what hurts the most. You left behind very confused people, very sad people, and one very fucking mad daughter. One little girl you said you would protect til the end of time, and be there for til the end.. FUCK YOU AND YOUR END! Fuck the fact that you were upset, you had responsibilities. You had people that fucking cared whether you lived or died. You took every possibility I had in my head as a little girl wishing and waiting for the day to see you again, to visit you, to hug you, to have you say I love you, to have you just fucking be there so I can call you on the phone and say hey daddy guess what?! Nope, you took that from me, and that is why I am so fucking angry with you.
I hate that you killed yourself, I hate that you moved far away, I hate that you drank, I hate that you hit mom, I hate that you never showed to court, I hate that you couldn’t quit drinking for your fucking kids!!!! IT WAS FOR YOUR KIDS! Everything was for me and my brother! Who gave a fuck what your ex wife had to say about you, or to you, We should have been your number one no matter what you had to do to, you should have done it. YOU SHOULD HAVE TRIED!
Why did you have to take your life away from us?! You were my everything! I wanted you to continue to teach me and watch me grow into the woman I am today. Nothing in life is free daddy, nothing in life comes to you without some work. You should have known these things. You were a man of your hands, hardworking, handy man. You built me so much, and I want you to build more dammit! Every time I think of certain carpentry projects, your there, your building what I need. I miss you, and I miss the possibilities. I miss your family even. I am completely separate from that side of my family, because you had to be a fucking prick to your siblings too. It wasn’t my Aunt or Uncles fault that they could see us and you couldn’t. It was your fault!
YOU ARE THE ONLY REASON YOU DIDN’T SEE US!
YOU ARE THE ONLY REASON FOR WHAT HAPPEN TO YOU!
YOU ARE THE REASON I WILL BE STRONGER THAN YOU EVER COULD BE.
You took the one shot and left me
My aunt made one phone call to tell me you were gone forever
Now I have one day, to constantly remember what you forgot,
I’ll always be daddy’s little girl.
Sincerely, with both hate and love,
Thank you for reading. I apologize again if I upset anyone unintentionally!
I know with it being this close to the holidays, we don’t always want to read a sad or upsetting story, so for that I thank you again. Please feel free to comment and express yourself freely. I am comfortable talking about suicide, and would love to answers any questions that people may have. I know of course this post doesn’t get into my grieving process, or other aspects of my life that deal with suicide, but again, this does not mean I am opposed to talking about it. In fact, I welcome the conversation so please feel free!